This week, the list is about Summer. And lots of people have lots of great things to say about summer. I, however, have a love/hate relationship with the summer. It’s not a 50/50 thing, either. Maybe 70/30 in the favor or hate. Or more like 80/20.
Anyway, I made a list about summer. Here you go.
- It’s hot. This falls into the “no shit” category, but I really don’t like heat. Now, lots of places are hotter. I have family in Phoenix, where birds burst into flames in midair and nuns curse openly on the streets (to quote Dave Barry), but it’s still hot here, too. Plus, we have humidity. (Digression: I always hear people talk about places like Phoenix and Vegas, and they say, “It’s a dry heat.” What does that mean? It’s a 112 degrees. It’s hot.) For those of you unscientific folks, humidity is the meteorological phenomenon which makes your hair frizzy and makes your underwear stick to you.
- The bugs come out. I don’t know where bugs go in the winter. Maybe down South. But I know they come back here in the summer, and other than the ones which live at the place where we go camping, most of them are in my yard, and possibly my basement. You know that kid from Peanuts, the one with the stinky cloud always hovering around him? We kind of look like that, but the stinky cloud is actually gnats. Plus, the bees are everywhere. You have to keep moving at all times outside, or else they will start building a nest right there in your armpit.
- My routine is shot to hell. Really. School is out, everyone is home, we get up at different times, we go to bed at different times. I can’t mop because everyone is running around everywhere. They want to go swimming and go for drives and watch movies and play video games and have sleepovers, and I can’t say, “Sorry, it’s a school night.” It’s anarchy.
- People have started coming out of their clothes. Apparently, the heat has damaged some people’s brain to the point where they feel the only way to remain cool is to remove their clothing, thereby exposing their pasty, pouchy flesh to the rest of the world. There is more T&A out at Wal-Mart than at the AVN Awards. I should be able to go buy bread, milk, a fishing lure and an Aahhhh Bra without having to see someone’s junk.
- I can’t go to the beach, but everyone else can. I mean, really, every person on Facebook, every member of my family, every person I’ve ever known is going to the beach. But not me. I’m spending my money on paint and kitchen cabinets. La-tee-frickin’-da!
- Smells are worse. Heat does not cause good things to happen in terms of my olfactory senses. I step outside, take a deep breath, and promptly turn and walk back inside. I can smell the trash bins. The creek is stinky when the water is low. Don’t even mention if something has been hit on the road. The cold of the winter hides these offensive odors, but summer heat bakes them, like some sort of giant, industrialized oven in Hell. Roadkill casserole, anyone?
Well, that about does it for my complaining. There are lots of things I like about summer, too, but unfortunately I can’t come up with any just now.
It’s 90/10. Definitely.