Ten Signs You May Be an Asshole

Warning: the word ASSHOLE appears in this post numerous times.  Do not read if the word ASSHOLE offends you. (Note: if the word ASSHOLE offends you, you are probably–you guessed it–an ASSHOLE.)

 

I can only come to the conclusion that people, in general, are not aware of their own behavior.  What other explanation could there be?  People cannot deliberately be acting this way.  So I decided to be (not so) helpful and make a little list to help you determine if you are, in fact, an asshole.

  1. You often find yourself just waiting for others to stop whining about their own pathetic problems, such as cancer, death, decapitation, whatever, so you can assure them that you have it much worse.
  2. You put more than one status update a day about how wonderful your life is, how rich you are, how beautiful your house is, how smart and perfect your children are, and how perfect your spouse is.  Trust me, you aren’t just sharing your blessings.  You’re an asshole.
  3. You have uttered the phrase, with no irony whatsoever, “Hot enough for ya?” This also means you are a moron.
  4. You insist on driving in the passing lane, no matter how slow you are going, no matter how long the line of traffic is behind you, no matter how many people swerve angrily into the slow lane and pass you. Double points if you have ever said, “I have a right to drive over here! I pay my taxes, too!”
  5. You have parked in a handicapped parking spot when you were, in fact, not handicapped.  This also applies if you have parked in the lines painted to leave room for unloading wheelchairs. In this case, you are an inconsiderate jerk as well as an asshole.
  6. You somehow manage to forget to turn off your cell phone every single church service, even though you have being attending church for 65163532158 years and the announcement has been the same every. Single. TIME.  Also, the person who manages to text or call during church time every week, even though they know you are probably at church, since you have been attending for 65163532158 years, that person is also an asshole.
  7. Speaking of cell phones, if you still think the only way people can hear you on cell phones is if you shout, no matter where you are–restaurants, the grocery store, funerals, whatever–then you are…..well, you know.  If you talk about personal issues at this same glass shattering decibel, you bypass asshole and go straight to idiot
  8. You constantly call people “babe,” “hon,” or “sweetie,” even people who are old enough to be your grandparents.  This is marginal, but at the very least it is condescending.
  9. You know, without a doubt, that no discussion of any kind can be complete unless everyone is aware of your opinion, which you, of course, must share, whether asked to or not. (Every one of you just shut up. I know this is me, okay?  I get it, OKAY?!)
  10. You have gone to outrageous lengths to prove that you are right.  There is nothing you won’t do to make your point, and if, God forbid, it turns out that you are wrong, then nothing must ever be said on the subject again, ever. You can never admit wrongness, and, if necessary, you must place the blame for your wrongness on the person who was right.  (I am in no way implying that anyone in my home, such as my spouse, is like this.)

There are many other tell-tale signs that you might be exhibiting asshole behavior.  This is just a basic list to get you started.  As always, I’m glad I can help!

What would you add to the list?

(Anyone who adds to the list “you make a list telling other people they are assholes” will be banned from my site.  Just kidding. Sort of.)

 

 

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