In case you missed the memo, this is Bitchy Monday. Either that or my estrogen patch is starting to lose its effectiveness. Either way, here are some very random things that have wiggled their way under my skin in the past few weeks.
- I’m really glad you have a positive body image, but low-rise jeans are over. Even a relatively small person, when squeezed into pants two sizes too small which are then buttoned up nice and tight around her hips, will have a pasty, squishy roll of flesh around the top. I’m not making this up–it’s just physics, folks. Hint: if the security people in Wal-Mart are stopping you and accusing you of smuggling a swim noodle out of the store under your shirt, you may want to jump up a size or two.
- On a similar note–guys, whoever started the skinny jeans for guys thing was an idiot. Period.
- Want nice things and money? Get a job or marry someone who has one. The world doesn’t owe you crap, buddy.
- Maybe you are disabled, but why is it you can’t walk from your car to the door of the store, but once inside you can walk up and down every aisle?
- Not having access for wheelchairs is not ok, especially in a building you are using my tax dollars to pay for. (On a survey filled out about our local non-handicap-accessible school, one of the respondents, when asked if they felt the school was accessible for people with disabilities, replied that no, the school wasn’t accessible, but “we don’t have any wheelchair students, so that’s ok.” I swear I am not making this up.)
- The left hand lane is called the passing lane. That’s all I’m going to say.
- You are not the only person on earth. Really. Look around you. You might be standing in the way or cutting someone off. I bet all of a sudden you’re thinking, “Where did all of these people come from!”
- If you have poor service on your cell phone and are cutting in and out, shouting isn’t going to help.
- If you spit in public, there is a special place in hell for you. Human beings are born with a swallow reflex. Try it out.
- It’s okay to get older. We are all doing it. Accept it. Dressing like a teenager doesn’t make you look like a teenager–it just makes you look like an aging person trying to dress like one.
- You will not spontaneously combust if you use manners. I promise.
- Last but certainly not least, don’t drive faster than me because if you do, you’re an idiot. Also, if you are driving slower than me, you are a moron.