Things would be a lot different, that’s for sure. For starters, anyone who spoke out loud before 9am would be awakened each morning by having hot coffee poured in their ear. Here are some other things I’d like to see go into effect immediately:
- All carpet would be removed from earth and rocketed into outer space, where presumably space aliens would find it and use it to carpet their own homes, at which time their little alien children and six-legged alien pets would vomit on it.
- Anyone who has a child and names it a normal name like “Cindy” or “Mindy”, but puts an “i” at the end, will have to sign a contract stating they will support their child for the rest of their life, since they will never be taken seriously in any field outside of the porn industry.
- Anyone who names their child something like “Apple” or “Cocoa” or “North” will be made to stand in some public forum so we can all gather around them, and then point and laugh.
- Mandatory grammar class for anyone who misuses “to,” too,” “your,” you’re,” “their,” “they’re,” and “there,” and double punishment for anyone who doesn’t know the difference between “then” and “than.”
- Text speak will be banned, punishable by death.
- Pop music will also be banned, and offenders will undergo a rehab of sorts where they are taught was music actually is supposed to sound like.
- Personal automobiles will be equipped with large-caliber machine guns, in order to encourage people riding along at cruising speed in the passing lane to perhaps move it along a little bit.
- Everyone would be required to read at least one book, any book, a week.
- Charm and finishing school should be reinstated for every man, woman, and child, until we all learn to stop shutting doors in people’s faces and never saying “excuse me.”
- Equally important, some sort of fashion guru will hopefully volunteer to teach Fashion Basics, such as if your ass is three feet wide, and your shorts are two feet wide, your shorts do not fit. Perhaps a math teacher could fulfill this role or something. (I’m raving.)
- Somewhere, somehow, someone will invent a self-cleaning house.
- Also, I hope to inspire someone, with a large cash reward, to invent a way for laundry to automatically be switched from the washer to the drier. (As an aside, I find it impossible to believe that this is not widespread technology yet. I mean, we have tiny little computers we hold in our hands, and we can’t get laundry from one place to another?)
- Non-streaking, finger-print proof glass. Enough said.
- Anthony Hopkins would come and read me poetry every night as I fell asleep.
- I would have one of those red phones, except it wouldn’t be for war or anything. It would be a direct to line to, say, the Pope, or Roger Waters. Or maybe just an Italian food delivery service. I’ll have to think about that one.
I’m sure most of your feel this is a very selfish list, and you are right. So of course I would do things like stop war and abortion and genocide and hunger and all of that stuff.
(But seriously, someone get to work on that laundry thing.)
So, what would it be like if you ruled the world?