(not so) Wonderful Summer

I’m not a faithful contributor, but I am a faithful fan of The Northwest Mommy and her Monday Listicles.  I love lists.  I love them.  Because that’s just how I roll.

This week, the list is about Summer.  And lots of people have lots of great things to say about summer.  I, however, have a love/hate relationship with the summer.  It’s not a 50/50 thing, either.  Maybe 70/30 in the favor or hate.  Or more like 80/20.

Anyway, I made a list about summer.  Here you go.

  • It’s hot.  This falls into the “no shit” category, but I really don’t like heat.  Now, lots of places are hotter.  I have family in Phoenix, where birds burst into flames in midair and nuns curse openly on the streets (to quote Dave Barry), but it’s still hot here, too.  Plus, we have humidity.  (Digression: I always hear people talk about places like Phoenix and Vegas, and they say, “It’s a dry heat.”  What does that mean?  It’s a 112 degrees.  It’s hot.) For those of you unscientific folks, humidity is the meteorological phenomenon which makes your hair frizzy and makes your underwear stick to you.
  • The bugs come out.  I don’t know where bugs go in the winter.  Maybe down South.  But I know they come back here in the summer, and other than the ones which live at the place where we go camping, most of them are in my yard, and possibly my basement.  You know that kid from Peanuts, the one with the stinky cloud always hovering around him?  We kind of look like that, but the stinky cloud is actually gnats.  Plus, the bees are everywhere.  You have to keep moving at all times outside, or else they will start building a nest right there in your armpit.
  • My routine is shot to hell.  Really.  School is out, everyone is home, we get up at different times, we go to bed at different times.  I can’t mop because everyone is running around everywhere.  They want to go swimming and go for drives and watch movies and play video games and have sleepovers, and I can’t say, “Sorry, it’s a school night.”  It’s anarchy.
  • People have started coming out of their clothes.  Apparently, the heat has damaged some people’s brain to the point where they feel the only way to remain cool is to remove their clothing, thereby exposing their pasty, pouchy flesh to the rest of the world.  There is more T&A out at Wal-Mart than at the AVN Awards.  I should be able to go buy bread, milk, a fishing lure and an Aahhhh Bra without having to see someone’s junk.
  • I can’t go to the beach, but everyone else can.  I mean, really, every person on Facebook, every member of my family, every person I’ve ever known is going to the beach.  But not me.  I’m spending my money on paint and kitchen cabinets.  La-tee-frickin’-da!
  • Smells are worse.  Heat does not cause good things to happen in terms of my olfactory senses.  I step outside, take a deep breath, and promptly turn and walk back inside.  I can smell the trash bins.  The creek is stinky when the water is low.  Don’t even mention if something has been hit on the road.  The cold of the winter hides these offensive odors, but summer heat bakes them, like some sort of giant, industrialized oven in Hell.  Roadkill casserole, anyone?

Well, that about does it for my complaining.  There are lots of things I like about summer, too, but unfortunately I can’t come up with any just now.

It’s 90/10.  Definitely.

 

 

Camping in Hell

This was supposed to be a post about Feminism, but at this point I would give up the right to vote to have an air conditioner and some hot water, so I’m thinking I’d better wait a while to continue with that subject. Once the power is back and the laundry is caught up, I’ll get back on track.

Okay.

In the movie “Alive,” after the plane has crashed, they are just sitting on the  mountain in the snow one morning, and one of the guys says in this surreal voice–“It has been six days.  This is the sixth day.”

Not long after that, they started eating people.

Well, this is the tenth day.  We have now been without power for ten days. Luckily, it’s too hot to eat.

I’m not really a self-pitying person most of the time.  I don’t have a lot of sympathy for people who whine and complain about the various situations they find themselves in.

But this sucks.  Bad.

I managed to keep a fairly positive attitude for a while, but it’s getting tough.  I’m getting into that frame of mind where I’m starting to think everyone has power but us, why isn’t it back on yet, I can’t live like this any more!!!!!!!!!!

So you see how the thought process goes.

I need to stay away from Facebook, because I keep seeing how everyone is getting their power back, and it is starting to mess with my head.  Also, I’m having some unusually violent thoughts towards the Facebook preachers.  You know the ones I mean–the ones who say things like, “Yeah, we don’t have power and a tree fell on Grandma’s head and now she talks funny and the car blew away but we are so thankful that God has taken care of us and everyone shouldn’t complain because it could have been SO much worse.”

You know the ones I mean.

I would make me so happy to be able to catch one of these people and wring my sopping wet underwear (sorry for that image) out right over their heads.  Then possibly strangling them with them, if I had the energy.

Another thing that is getting on my nerves is how everyone keeps saying, “It’s like camping!” Well, I am an experienced camper, and this is NOT like camping.  Camping in Hell, maybe, but not regular camping.  For one, I camp on an electric site, even with a tent, so I can run a fan at night.  Also, I camp in the spring and fall, when it is cool.  I would never, EVER camp during the hottest time of the year, and especially not during the hottest temperatures our area has seen in decades.

So I’ve got to do it–I’ve got to get a list of complaints off of my chest just once.  Here it goes:

  • I hate the heat.  I hate the humidity.  We have both.  It sucks.
  • No air conditioning.  See the previous item.
  • No hot water.  This is the second worst thing to me–I wash my hands in hot water, I brush my teeth with hot water, I mop with hot water, I wash clothes in hot water–you see where I’m going with this.  Yes, we heat water on the stove, but not in large enough quantities for any major projects.
  • It is too hot for any major projects, anyway.
  • I have been doing laundry in the bath tub.  I HATE hanging laundry outside.  Some people talk about how great stuff smells when it hangs outside, but I think it smells like crap, and it also feels like crap.
  • When you DO heat water on the stove, the flame from the burner heats the kitchen to some ungodly temperature that I don’t even want to know.
  • Cold showers do not make me feel clean.  Also, while all of us able-bodied people can suffer with a cold shower, I will not subject my sister or my daughter to them.  So I have been bucket bathing them for ten days.  More suckage.
  • The generator is a little too small for such a big house, so we have to be very careful what we use. Some of the circuits weren’t wired in, so one end of the house is dark.  I’ll either be blind or have cat’s eyes when this is over.
  • On the generator note, we have spent a small fortune on gasoline.  I just keep telling everyone all our money is tied up in petroleum products.
  • It’s hot.
  • Also, it’s really hot.
  • Did I mention it’s hot?

Okay, I feel a little better.

Just to keep from bringing everyone down, I’m going to end this post with a list of the positive things going on here.  Maybe it will make me feel better.

  • We do have a generator.  So we have fans and television and we have been able to keep the fridge and freezer going.  We can run a small air conditioner at night in our room after everything else has been turned off so we can sleep in relative comfort.
  • We have a gas range, so we can cook and heat water.
  • I haven’t had to run the vacuum in over a week.
  • We’ve lived without a microwave, and I’ve always heard those things aren’t very good for you.
  • Evelyn and Mindy can watch television.  You have no idea how important this is.
  • We have cell phones and have been able to keep them charged.
  • We’ve passed the time playing Scrabble and Uno together.  I guess that counts as quality time, even though occasionally I would lose my focus and imagine hitting one of my family members over the head with some blunt object.
  • I basically haven’t worn a bra for any measurable length of time for ten days.
  • We do have water–thanks to our city water supplier for that.  In the past this wasn’t the case.
  • We learned about a new kind of storm, which was sort of educational and pretty cool.  It’s called a derecho.  Check it out.

That’s really all I can come up with right now.  There might be more, but frankly they escape me.

I will sign off again for now.  Hopefully the next time you hear from me, I will be sitting in an air-conditioned room typing on my fully charged laptop.

Either that, or you’ll read about me in the paper.


 

 

 

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