The cogs are slipping.
I read that expression in a Stephen King book once before, about how somebody was starting to lose his or her mind, and King said that the cogs of reality were wearing down and starting to slip. It was a neat expression (and visual image) that stuck with me. I always sort of thought it was cool.
Now that my own cogs are starting to slip, it’s not so cool anymore. See, I’m not sleeping very well. This happens to me sometimes. It seems like every couple of years my internal clock starts slipping its cogs (See? Neat expression!) and I start having insomnia.
I read once that some enormous percentage of the population suffers from insomnia. So, in reality, it isn’t that big of a deal.
Unless it’s me.
Or you live with me.
See, not sleeping starts to do things to me after a while. My usually sunshine-y personality dims. (Hey, it’s my blog, okay? I can make any claim I want.) I start to have a rather dark view of life in general. I grouch, even though I know I’m doing it and I hate it and I try not to do it. In short, I start to feel a little crazy.
Not this kind of crazy,
but more like this kind of crazy:
While people are talking to me, I’m having uncharitable thoughts toward them. I’m not even going to talk about the people I have to encounter out in public.
I also start to lose my motivation. House needs dusting? Who cares. Laundry piling up? Oh well. Dinner needs cooked? Big deal. I guess my give-a-damn runs on sleep, and it’s all out. People seem especially whiny to me. (How ironic, since this whole entire post is basically one, big, protracted whine-fest.) I have to squash the voice in my head that is screaming “I don’t care!” when people are telling me terrible things about their lives.
I also think my decision-making is hampered. My son could come in and ask for my permission to take the van out the road for a spin, and I’d be like, “Sure, that seems like a good idea.” Or it might be the opposite, like he might ask for my permission to, oh, I don’t know, eat, and I’d be like “Why? Why do you need to that? Do you need to do it right now?”
So you see.
So, if I grouch at you (worse than usual) or seem unresponsive, I’m sorry. Right now I need to go.
I’m craving fava beans.