Today’s Fashion Tip: Buy Some Windex and Cover Your Junk!

     Folks, when I start giving out fashion advice, things must be pretty bad.  Normally, I could give a crap about what people wear.  In fact, I’m usually on the defensive, waiting for the people from one of those fashion makeover shows to swoop down on me while I’m in the store.  My uniform is pretty consistent:  black tee-shirt with either jeans or some form of knee-length shorts.  I don’t wear make-up, and if my hair is clean, I consider it “fixed.”  So, I repeat, I’m not one of the world’s great fashion critics.

     Sometimes, though, even someone like me has to take a moment and say, “Huh?”

     We celebrated our long weekend by going to the lake.  All of us love the water and we go to stay all day.  It was a holiday weekend, so tons of other people had the same idea.  No biggie.  What this meant was that I had opportunity to observe a lot of people in way less clothes than they should have been wearing.  Obviously, people swim in bathing suits.  Duh.  Having said that, there is a whole world of choices available to people of all shapes and sizes that are relatively flattering and cover all of the parts that the rest of us don’t need to see.  Though I am severely fashion-challenged, I am an expert on bathing-suit selection, since I spend approximately two years trying to find one that doesn’t make me cry when I look at myself in the mirror while wearing it.  At least I am aware of and can accept my faults.  I’m not a big girl, but I’m not a pixie, either.  Also, my body will never forgive me for what carrying my daughter did to it.  Once you reach a certain age, even if you weigh 90 pounds, certain things just aren’t where they’re supposed to be anymore.  Gravity sucks (literally!)

     Apparently, some people haven’t yet realized this.  I saw some things on that lake this weekend that may have scarred me for life.  I could write a book, but I thought I’d just sort of give you the highlights, because it’s late and I’m lazy.

  1. There were numerous gals who have obviously not realized that bikinis aren’t meant for everyone–especially if, when you put it on, it disappears. 
  2. I myself sport a pretty good tan because I’m outside a lot, but I saw some older ladies today getting out of a truck that looked like great big brown shoes.  Some lizards in the weeds on the side of the parking lot sort of perked up and did their little mating dance routines.  Turn off the tanning beds!
  3. I saw one woman who had on a bikini style bottom and one of those tankini tops.  Usually I like those pretty well–I wear one with board shorts–but hers wasn’t quite long enough.  At first, I thought she had a flesh-colored floaty ring around her waist.  She didn’t.
  4. I saw a middle-aged man in a Speedo. What else can I say?
  5. Just as a generalized statement, fix your wedgie for God’s sweet sake!

     I guess the most alarming thing to me is that these folks actually looked at themselves in their mirrors and said, “Damn, I look GOOD!”  Either they need to clean their mirrors, or I need to find out what kind of mirror it is so I can get one for myself.

     The last, and most important, “little pointer” I’d like to offer up to the sunbathing masses is pretty straightforward–please, for all humanity, cover your private parts!  I do NOT want to see them, and I’m getting older, my reflexes are slowing down, and sometimes I can’t tackle my son and cover his head with a towel before he sees some girl’s nipple or some dude’s junk! 

     Case in point:  we were out swimming and jumping off of some rocks today, and three people (two guys, one girl–their gender was obvious) paddled up in a fancy little canoe.  They parked behind the rocks and climbed up.  I guess buying the fancy canoe drained their finances, because the guys were in their underwear, and the girl was in her bra and panties.  I swear I am not making this up.  When the aforementioned garments became wet, which is inevitable when you are swimming, you could see everything.  Twigs, berries, nipples, patch–though they were technically covered, they were all there in sharp relief.  I had two twelve-year-old girls and one eleven-year-old boy with me.  I could have tossed all three of them into the water with no floatation devices and they would have been fine–their eyeballs would have kept them afloat.  We vacated, and how!


     I guess that about sums up my advice (or gripe session, as it was.)  Have a little pride in yourself, and cover up the nasty bits with fabric designed to go in the water.  Remember, guys, you may think you’re showing something off, but cold water is not your friend!

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